Alright, Let’s Talking About This Fucking Wendy’s Thing

//Here be cursin’. More than usual. Heads up

This week, American fast food company Wendy’s released a tabletop RPG entitled Feast of Legends. The game clocks in a smidge under one hundred pages, and is clearly heavily cribbing from 5th Edition Dungeons and Dragons, most notably due to its D20-based dice system and a general visual design that feels close enough to the graphic language of 5E without attracting the ire of wandering copyright lawyers. In it, the heroes of “Freshtovia”, all of whom are based on Wendy’s menu items, fight to protect the land from “the Ice Jester”, which I guess is supposed to be a jab at the fact that McDonald’s freezes their hamburger patties.

In case I haven’t smeared that opening paragraph with enough venom, I fucking hate this. I try to not swear a ton on this blog, but this disgusts me on a fundamental level. It’s a raging piece of shit. But I want to talk about why it exists, and more constructively, why it’s a raging piece of shit. But first, let’s talk about advertising.

Now, I do not think that the fact that Feast of Legends is, inherently, an advertisement immediately revokes any and all cultural value it has. At bare minimum, advertisements serve as candid encapsulations of the culture that produced it, and in some cases, advertisements can be formed into complete pieces of creative value, or integrated into them without corrupting the greater creative purpose. Many of the classic children’s shows of the ’80s are, ultimately, advertisements for toys. E.T is still a valid piece of artistic work despite the fact that one possible viewing of it is as a very long Reese’s commercial.

However, these are works that exist on multiple levels beyond simple advertising. Obviously, E.T is a whole-ass movie, the majority of which is not about Reese’s Pieces, and Transformers as a brand has evolved into an entire setting’s worth of storytelling, ultimately having just sort of taken a reverse approach to get to the same “media, and merchandise corresponding to media” state that, say, Marvel is in. Feast of Legends… does not do this.

All 97 pages of Feast of Legends tell the exact same joke, with the exact same punchline as Feast of Legends‘ very existence: “It’s D&D, but it’s Wendy’s! Isn’t that weird!”. There’s basically nothing to the game mechanics themselves, it’s just 5E with the hard edges filed off. Rise From The Deep Freeze, the built-in adventure in which the party hunts down and kills Ronald McDonald (presumably for the crime of being much more popular than Wendy’s), is pretty shit, an uninspired and railroad-y affair that probably expects most of its momentum to come from how wacky it is that everything is D&D, But Wendy’s. An early adventure employs the “two guardians, one tells the truth, one always lies” riddle that everyone remotely familiar with riddles has known the solution to since they were twelve (representing an almost delightfully earnest admission of running out of ideas very early in the writing process), except they are called Unsweet and Sweet Tea.

This complete lack of any sort of creative spirit shows basically everywhere. The game doesn’t have an actual progression system, instead it just tells you at random intervals in the packed-in adventure “Oh yeah, everyone levels up now”. All of the character abilities are just extremely run-of-the-mill RPG abilities painted with the thinnest veneer of “But It’s Wendy’s!” flavor text. The tone of the writing thinks it’s much more clever than it is.

And, like, whatever, a corporation made a bad game. This ain’t news. We all remember Sneak King, the baffling Burger King stealth game about surprising people with shitty hamburgers. More recently, KFC released a visual novel about dating the Colonel, which people more well-versed in visual novels have already torn apart far better than I could. Brands make shitty games all the time.

But there’s something about making a tabletop RPG that I find particularly offensive. At least that KFC dating sim was free, and is just a waste of my time. Definitionally, a tabletop RPG is both a massive social and temporal investment. The mere existence of this game suggests that I should get my friends together, for multiple hours, on multiple nights, for essentially the experience of all collaboratively making our own Wendy’s commercial. The creative and generative nature of the medium means that this fucking fast food chain has the gall to suggest that I should bring my friends together and use our infinite creativity and humor to sell Wendy’s to ourselves. There are literally hundreds of free RPGs out in the world, made by people who have something to say, who want to affect the people who play their games in positive ways, who have ideas that they want to try, and you suggest that I should play an entire campaign of “Get it? Because it’s D&D? But it’s Wendy’s!”

However, while I can’t speak to the design intentions of this game, I don’t think this game was meant to be played over an entire campaign. Not really. The purpose of this game is to exist, for people to see it in a Tweet or a slapped together news post and go “pfft, look, it’s D&D, but Wendy’s”. I think Wendy’s Marketing is operating under the premise that merely acknowledging the existence of tabletop RPGs as a hobby, just shitting out the easiest, most bare-bones concession to the hobby, is enough to get people in said hobby to go out and buy a burger. I can’t speak for anyone else, but I find that premise insulting.

Of course, this is Wendy’s’ whole Brand M.O right now. Having largely given up on “convincing people that our food is good”, Wendy’s has lately opted to take advantage of the pointless media attention they get for Doing A Thing That Brands Don’t Normally Do. They’re a mean Twitter account, but they’re Wendy’s! They released a mixtape, but it’s Wendy’s! But at least those things aren’t so presumptuous as to suggest that I should clear mine and my friends’ calendars for Wendy’s.

As long as I have your attention, let’s talk about what a shitty company Wendy’s is! Wendy’s, as of time of writing, is the only one of America’s five biggest fast food chains (the other four being McDonald’s, Subway, Burger King, and Taco Bell) who has yet to join with the Alliance for Fair Food and Coalition of Immokalee Workers’ Fair Food Program, an initiative which seeks to improve the life of agricultural workers by ensuring fair wages and humane working conditions. Wendy’s refused to join the program (and in fact, moved most of its tomato buying to Mexico, where labor exploitation runs rampant), with a milquetoast rebuttal including the following milquetoast quote (said milquetoast quote has actually since been deleted from their site, but is preserved by the Coalition of Immokalee Workers) :

CIW demands we make payments to employees of the companies who supply our tomatoes from the Immokalee area in Florida — even though they are not Wendy’s employees. CIW is demanding an added fee on top of the price we pay our suppliers. However, because of our high standards, we already pay a premium to our Florida tomato suppliers.

We believe it’s inappropriate to demand that one company pay another company’s employees. America doesn’t work that way.

Yes it does. Building the cost of labor into the price of things is something that, literally, every company on the face of the Earth does with literally every product ever created. What Wendy’s has done is rejected the premise that the fair pay of agricultural labor is worth the cost of one cent per tomato. Instead, Wendy’s made the following limp-wristed promise:

We’re always open to having constructive conversations and we’ll continue to strive for progress. We require responsible business practices in our supply chain and will continue to work to bring greater transparency to these practices so that our customers can continue to feel confident in the brand we love and the values upon which it was built.

“We won’t make any tangible changes at all, but we promise you that at some point, we will try to make changes, maybe” is essentially what that quote means. That post they link, by the way, says jack shit about working conditions and fair wages and mostly discusses how proud they are to grow a fuckload of blackberries.

Don’t subject yourself to this piece of shit game from a soulless corporation. You should value your own time and your friends’ time more than to spend hours, plural, playing a hastily slapped-together advertisement that thinks that cheap jokes and a ludicrous premise are enough to convince you to buy their burgers over someone else’s burgers.

You can find numerous cheap and free tabletop RPGs not written by greedy megacorporations on itch.io.

Learn more about the Fair Food Program on their website.

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